THE HEROIC NO

My usual orientation to life is a big, juicy “Yes!” And most of the time, that’s my real preference. It’s an honest and soulful expression for me. There’s a lot of good in it, a lot to like.

“Yes” feels groovy and easy-going and agreeable. “Yes” makes things happen. “Yes” sounds like participation, invitation, inclusion, and expansion.

Even when I don’t really feel like it, usually it occurs for me like I should feel like it. So I’ve gotten pretty good at psyching myself up and following through, even if I’ve had second thoughts. If I’ve said “Yes,” then you can count on me. Rarely do I back out of something to which I’ve agreed because not fulfilling on a commitment feels like failure.

I watched a short documentary about contemporary Danish architect, Bjarke Ingels. He’s the founder and creative partner in the international, moving & shaking Bjarke Ingels Group (BIG), and author of a graphic philosophical treatise called: Yes Is More. I bought the book. It’s a great title and an interesting and beautiful idea. His main thrust is that saying “Yes” to everyone and everything — clients, consumers, investors, designers, developers — results in a more complete expression of what’s possible. Because everything is evolving perpetually into greater and greater complexity, “Yes” naturally aligns with Life’s progressive emergence.

I totally vibe with this. It rings true to me.

Then I was reminded of Michael Singer’s book, The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life’s Perfection. Singer writes about a decision in his twenties to let go of all his fears and overthinking, to let go even of his personal preferences. He committed to the flow — going with the flow — saying “Yes” to every opportunity and opening he encountered. The book describes the remarkably rich and prosperous life that bloomed out of this simple practice of unconditional affirmation.

So that’s another cool idea that makes my heart leap: “Yes” as faith, acceptance, joyous abandon, and release.

All in all, “Yes” is good stuff. It works. Maintaining this positive relationship with life most of the time, I feel appreciated and well-liked, and I get shit done. Lately, though, I’ve also been feeling my way into “No” once in a while. And I’m finding the negative to be pretty amazing in its own special way.

Sometimes “No” comes up as an absolute refusal, a full stop, a revolt. This can be a most powerful and necessary stand — to be against something unworkable or downright awful — No Kings, No War, No Genocide, No Grifting, No Injustice, No Bullying, No Hatred, No Lies, No More of this Effing Trainwreck. Sometimes it’s the only humane, sane, and spiritual position.

But what I’m thinking about today isn’t so much these great “Nos” of protest and activism and revolution. I’m thinking more about the composition of my every ordinary day-to-day. How I might pepper my life with a few more small “Nos” just to allow some pauses here and there. Breathing room, time-out, a bit of stillness and peace that I can claim deliberately amidst the hectic momentum that is forever sweeping us along and away.

• What if I felt less of the need to prove myself?
• What if we didn’t feel like we needed to earn our right to be here on the planet, here in our lives?
• What if we didn’t worry so much about the ticking clock, about being left out, about the rarity and scarcity of opportunity’s knocks?

For me, I think if I was no longer driven by fear of lack and inadequacy — if I could say it without feeling the need to justify, explain, or apologize — I think I might say “No” more often.

And I think I’d feel more free.  Like I could really trust my own creative choices.  Dang, if it could really be a choice!  Not thinking I have to say “Yes” to be in the flow.  Not thinking I have to say “No” to protect myself.  Neither needs to be a knee-jerk reaction or an all-purpose answer.  Every choice deserves real consideration.  For heaven’s sake, “Yes” isn’t really a choice unless “No” is also an option.  Allowing ourselves to say either is, in fact, what makes the other creative when we choose it on purpose.

The thing is — “Yes” has never had a monopoly on creativity, progress, participation, and power. 

Also, the line between “Yes” and “No” can get pretty blurry when you think about it.  Depending on where you stand, they might even mean exactly the same thing from different angles. 

And  “No” to one thing always opens up “Yes” to another, and vice versa.  

Sometimes “No” is the dynamic choice, the affirming choice, the choice that welcomes Life by releasing the compulsion to strive and control and suffer. Sometimes “No” is freakin’ heroic.

I can’t wait to be with you this Sunday, October 18. 10am at q-Staff Theater, with the divine Patty Stephens. XO, Drew

©2026 Drew Groves